You're a manager holding a business meeting. Suddenly, one employee develops a "hearing" problem, another continually refills his coffee, a third is day dreaming, the fourth is tuning in and out. What to do? Well, don't take it personally, says communications expert Vera Held.

    Held (Glendon BA '77), is the author of How Not to Take It Personally. She's an expert on how to understand and respond to people's speaking and listening patterns.

    After years of working as a communications coach, facilitator and speaker (she taught business writing at the Schulich School of Business and is involved in its mentorship program), Held has developed a theory of six listening masks and speaking styles.

    Take the meeting, for example. Held says the employees donned masks (deliberately or unconsciously) to further their own agenda. By putting on a "self-protector" listening mask, a manager can figure out the players' unspoken messages, and how to respond.

    Rather than talking louder, faster and harder to force attention, Held advises speaking much less, and listening more to identify the "masks" of those around you. At that point, you can start doing some positive manipulating of your own. You might solicit comments from the attention-faker, set limits on the distracter, recognize the weariness of the daydreamer, and involve the selective listener. "The end result will be a better team, and a more productive meeting," she says. And no one gets their feelings hurt.

    Even Held has been accused of rudeness because of her speaking style. In her parlance, she's a short gapper. "That means I cut the end of my sentences off quickly and start the next one
up fast," she says. "Now I make an effort to be a medium gapper."