{"id":3510,"date":"2014-10-20T14:58:12","date_gmt":"2014-10-20T18:58:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/advancement.yorku.ca\/?p=3510"},"modified":"2014-10-20T14:58:12","modified_gmt":"2014-10-20T18:58:12","slug":"dating-after-breast-cancer-can-be-a-delicate-balance","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.yorku.ca\/alumniandfriends\/2014\/10\/dating-after-breast-cancer-can-be-a-delicate-balance\/","title":{"rendered":"Study: Dating after breast cancer can be a delicate balance"},"content":{"rendered":"

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month\u2014as we show our support and celebrate the women who have overcome this disease, we also recognize that hardships that continually face these survivors.<\/p>\n

Women who\u2019ve had breast cancer often feel discouraged and vulnerable in the dating world, but York researchers say there is good news. It is possible to develop successful intimate relationships. Unknown to either, though, the new partner will have to pass a \u201cman test\u201d first.<\/p>\n

In addition, dating and establishing a new relationship post-cancer had the potential to restore the women\u2019s often diminished self- and bodily-esteem.<\/p>\n

\"Karen

Karen Fergus<\/p><\/div>\n

\u201cPrevious research has shown that dating is a top concern for single women post-breast cancer,\u201d says York psychology Professor Karen Fergus. \u201cBut there was surprisingly little research in this area. Not much was known about the dating process, its success or the role of cancer in any new relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Fergus of York\u2019s Faculty of Health and her grad student Darya Kurowecki, currently at the University of Ottawa in the Faculty of Medicine, looked at the process that 15 heterosexual women, most now in intimate relationships, underwent following breast cancer and surgery. They found that these women went through a process often over several years before feeling ready to date. Once they met someone, there was a series of successive disclosures, which tested whether or not the man could accept them as cancer survivors, scars and all. If not, the women decided not to pursue the relationship further.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a stigmatized illness. It can recur and it entails disfiguring surgery,\u201d says Fergus. \u201cIn addition, there are often other impairments or losses.\u201d A woman could be thrown into early menopause, before having had the opportunity to have children. There are usually self-confidence issues following breast cancer and surgery and that can affect the woman\u2019s ability to start new relationships.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe first level of the man test is, can they accept I\u2019ve had a cancer history. The next step is, will they accept the fact I\u2019ve had a disfiguring surgery \u2013 a lumpectomy, one or two mastectomies, and\/or reconstruction,\u201d says Fergus. \u201cBasically, what they\u2019re doing is testing the safety of this budding relationship, but they\u2019re also playing their cards close to the vest. They are protecting themselves in that they\u2019re not going to subject themselves to more potential rejection and vulnerability than is necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"Darya

Darya Kurowecki<\/p><\/div>\n

If the men were accepting of these disclosures, then the couple needed to discuss some serious issues and that seemed to accelerate the emotional intimacy of the new relationship, she says. They may need to discuss the fact the cancer may recur or that they may carry a cancer gene that could be passed on to their children, or perhaps they are no longer able to conceive children.<\/p>\n

The third or ultimate step is physical intimacy and revealing their scars.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat struck us the most,\u201d says Fergus, \u201cis their vulnerability combined with this incredible amount of courage and strength that it takes for these women to put themselves out there in the dating world and later, to share their cancer history both verbally and physically with a prospective partner. That combination of profound vulnerability and strength is admirable.\u201d<\/p>\n

To Fergus, the \u201cman test\u201d is great.\u00a0 \u201cAt one point Darya said to me, \u2018you know, it\u2019s as though these men are being tested\u2019 which led her to develop this category.\u201d\u00a0 It\u2019s an empowering concept, says Fergus, because \u201cit turns the feeling of inferiority on its head and says are you going to be strong enough to accept my history and accept me as I am. So instead of please don\u2019t reject me, it\u2019s are you going to be strong enough to accept me.\u201d<\/p>\n

As it turns out, for many that answer was yes. That is a message of hope Fergus wants women to get.<\/p>\n

\u201cFor a lot of women who are single and don\u2019t know other women who have a satisfying new relationship after cancer, they don\u2019t even know that\u2019s possible,\u201d says Fergus. \u201cThe fact that we were able to go and find these women and interview them, and not withstanding these were women willing to come forward \u2013 our findings did affirm that fulfilling intimate relationships were possible after cancer, and this truly is a message of hope.\u201d<\/p>\n

The research, \u201cWearing my Heart on my Chest: Dating, New Relationships, and the Reconfiguration of Self-esteem after Breast Cancer\u201d, was published this year in the print issue of Psycho-Oncology: Journal of the Psychological, Social and Behavioral Dimensions of Cancer<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month\u2014as we show our support and celebrate the women who have overcome this disease, we also recognize that hardships that continually face these survivors. Women who\u2019ve had breast cancer often feel discouraged and vulnerable in the dating world, but York researchers say there is good news. It is possible to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3510","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"yoast_head":"\nStudy: Dating after breast cancer can be a delicate balance - Division of Advancement - Alumni and Friends<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yorku.ca\/alumniandfriends\/2014\/10\/dating-after-breast-cancer-can-be-a-delicate-balance\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Study: Dating after breast cancer can be a delicate balance - Division of Advancement - Alumni and Friends\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month\u2014as we show our support and celebrate the women who have overcome this disease, we also recognize that hardships that continually face these survivors. 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