JEWBOY-SCRIPT(DRAFT3.5)
Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.
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EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Two shadowy figures swagger precariously down the middle of a
suburban street. One is just barely grasping the neck of a
square bottle of Manischewitz wine. They are singing, in what
can barely be called harmony, a very bad rendition of Hava-na
guila. After a moment, a voice over starts.
NARRATOR(V.O.)
I am the one on the right... and this... is the
most Jewish I have ever been. Let me explain...
I'll start at the beginning.
CUT TO:
INSERT: BABY PHOTOS & COLLECTED ARCHIVAL IMAGES TO SUPPORT
THE INFORMATION.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I was born, a beautiful baby boy, on August 16th,
1984. I do not remember my first Jewish act: my
bris. Which I am told was uneventful.
INSERT: EXT. HOUSE. - MOTHER (in 80s dress) is outside
smoking. A window beside her is being sprayed with blood from
the inside. There is the sound of muffled panic.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I grew up in the small town of Millbrook Ontario, a
town with 4 churches and only one gas-station.
INSERT: 4 churches... and the 1 gas station (arranged in
panels on one screen as a pictograph.)
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I was the only Jewish kid in my
school... and the only boy in the
school choir.
INSERT: Young narrator, in the front row of the choir sings
"dreidel-dreidle-dreidle" at the front of a elementary school
gym.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
It was enough to turn me off of
Judaism for most of my childhood.
In fact there are only two other
times that I can remember feeling
even slightly religious. (ctd.)
INSERT: Grainy handi-cam shots of a scout leader tying a knot
for the camera. Over his shoulder, two kids are arguing on
the back of a pickup truck.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The first was the time that I
clocked Nick Dudican at scout camp
for calling me a "stupid Jew."
INSERT: Same shot as above. One kid knocks the other off the
back of the truck. Badass.
NARRATOR V.O.
The other was the time that I snuck
out of synagogue to smoke pot with
my friends.
INSERT: A shot of the exterior of the synagogue reveals a
small group of teens huddled behind a hill. Visible are 3
tuques and one yalmulke. Clouds of smoke ride from the centre
of the group.
NARRATOR V.O.
I spent half the service being
amazed at the fact that I could
read Hebrew perfectly. I mean, I
was completely fluent. (ctd.)
INSERT: Narrator sits among the congregation in the 70s style
seating of Beth Isreal Sinigogue. He leafs through a book
with wide eyes.
NARRATOR V.O.
Later I hypothesized that perhaps I
was reading the English translation
side of the page. After that
Judaism and I went our separate
ways. To be honest, I sort...
well... forgot about it entirely...
INSERT: Hands toss a yalkmulka and tallis, carelessly into a
dresser drawer. It is slammed shut.
NARRATOR V.O.
..and then there was Sarah.
FADE TO:
INT. UNIVERSITY CAFATERIA - DAY
A beautiful dark-haired girl with flowing dark locks and a
charming smile stands among a group of her friends. Her
attire, the epitome of JAPiness: Uggs, lulu lemon track
pants, A Luis Vuitton bag and a fur-rimmed jacket. She is
glowing. She is sparkling. Narrator watches from across the
room.
NARRATOR V.O.
My golden Calf, my false idol,
Sarah. There she was. Beautiful,
charming and very, very, Jewish.
CUT TO:
A young man in a yalmulka approaches and starts chatting with
her. He laughs out loud at her incredibly clever joke.
Narrator, still watching, narrows his eyes.
NARRATOR V.O.
I should have just left it.
Slo-Mo (Avec chugging guitar music): Narrator lurches
forward. He strides with confident awesomeness (a la
Reservoir Dogs.) Never taking his eyes off of Sarah, he moves
toward the girls, grabbing a yalmulka off of a nearby Jewish
boy and placing it on his own head.
NARRATOR
(Arriving)
Hey.
CUT TO BLACK:
NARRATOR V.O.
And that's how I got in over my
head.
Cue Music on TITLE: "Stupid-Jew"
CUT TO:
INT. CAR - DAY
Music continues over a changing out-the-window landscape.
Buildings and people become fields and cows.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I was going to be having a shabbat
dinner with a girl who thought I
was a full fledged Jew. In truth
I'm about as kosher as a double
bacon cheeseburger. This would
require professional advice. (ctd.)
EXT. PETERBOROUGH STREET - DAY
The car finally arrives in Peterborough, Ontario as revealed
by the passing of a Peterborough water-tower.
INT. SINAGOGUE - DAY
Beth Israel sinagogue sits lonely atop it's small hill. It is
a brown, wood panel and brick building reminiscent of an era
that favoured shag carpets and asymmetrically angular
architecture.
CUT TO:
INT. SINAGOGUE OFFICE - DAY
A large, sweater vested man sits behind his desk, feet up.
TITLE: Yossi Saperman - My Childhood Rabbi
His office is literally filled with fish tanks of various
shapes and sizes. The walls are covered in framed yellowing
papers and rabbinical sayings. Littered about are religious
symbols: shabbat candles, silver cups, a bagel slicer.
RABBI YOSSI
I don't see what the big deal is-
Narrator stares blankly.
RABBI YOSSI
(Pulling book off shelf)
Did you know there are literally
hundreds of prayers in this thing?
Hundreds.
He taps the book with his finger. More blank staring from
Narrator.
RABBI YOSSI
You think I know all of them?
Narrator's blank stare turns to one curiosity. Rabbi Yossi
starts moving his lips.
RABBI YOSSI
...mumble...ahm...amd... Which
prayer am I doing? Watch. What am I
saying right now?
NARRATOR
(shrugs)
Ah...
RABBI YOSSI
Doesn't matter. (getting quiet) The
more you mumble the more religious
you look.
Narrator narrows his eyes in thought. Yossie reaches under
his desk and produces a bottle of kosher wine and a cup.
RABBI YOSSI
You try it.
CUT TO:
INT. SINAGOGUE OFFICE - LATER
Yossi and Jared are laughing hysterically. They are
completely finished one bottle of Manischewitz wine and are a
good way through a second. Narrator falls backward out of his
chair.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
A punk version of Hava-Na-Guila accompanies the following
montage: Rabbi Yossi and Narrator are out on the streets
causing ruckus. They are knocking over garbage cans,
stumbling and shouting. A bottle of Manischewitz is being
passed back and forth.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
I think this is about where we came
in...
Jared and Yossi are swaggering down the middle of the street.
And just like that I was one step
closer to Sarah being mine.
CUT TO:
EXT. RAAB RANCH - DAY
Narrator's car pulls up to a 2 story farm house. His MOTHER
and FATHER greet him at the door.
CUT TO:
INT. RAAB LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Narrator and his FATHER sit on their couch, going through a
photo album. Other stacks of albums and old photos are strewn
around the area. His MOTHER sits at a distance, reading. She
is not in on the conversation.
NARRATOR V.O.
I decided to pay a visit to my
parents before heading back to the
city. I wanted to tell them about
Sarah.
Narrator acts out the moment where he asked Sarah out on a
date for his father. The Father tries to look interested
while glancing nervously over at Mother, who appears to be
getting uncomfortable. The Narrator's story is buried under
the voice over.
NARRATOR V.O.
I explained all about how I'd got
the date in the fist place and
about Rabbi Yossi's advice.
Mother stands up and walks off. Father, noticing this, shoots
Narrator a cold stare. At this, Narrator stops in the mid
gesticulation.
FATHER
Please...
Narrator turns his palms skyward, in a silent "WHAT?"
FATHER
You're killing you mother.
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
Shots of Narrator setting the table, cooking and doing
general dinner preparations. He is on the phone. The
following conversation is taking place. The audio of the
phone call does not necessarily match up with the images.
NARRATOR
I don't know what her problem is.
FATHER
It's just all that talk of Judaism
and religion she's just not very
good with all that.
NARRATOR
Why Not?
FATHER
I wish you'd just drop it.
NARRATOR
Put her on.
FATHER
Jared please. All this is killing
her.
NARRATOR
Put her on.
Father calls for Mother.
NARRATOR.
MOM?... What's you problem with me
dating a Jewish girl?
CUT TO:
INT. CHURCH - DAY
Narrator sits, white as a sheet, underneath a huge cross. All
around him are well dressed mourners. Some are crying. Heavy
gospel organ music plays in the background.
NARRATOR V.O.
Now, under normal circumstances,
one would not get important
informaiton about their lineage
over a fax machine.
INSERT: FAX of a rejected application to a Jewish cemetery. A
few words and phrases are highlighted and zoomed-in on: BETH
ISRAEL CEMETARY, APOLOGY, REJECTED, REASON: NON-JEWISH,
NOT... JEWISH.
NARRATOR V.O.
Maybe it had something to do with
being lied to for my entire life,
but my mother's heart-attack got me
thinking about the importance of
honesty.
CUT TO:
INT. UNIVERISTY LIBRARY - DAY
Narrator and Sarah stand at the end of a long row of books.
He is gesturing wildly. We can only make out a word or two.
"Matrilineal" is one of them.
NARRATOR V.O.
I decided it was time to come clean
with Sarah. About lying, mostly...
but also about... well... not
actually being Jewish.
When he finishes his story. There is a pause. Then Sarah
slaps him, hard, and walks off.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Hands open a dresser drawer. They carefully pull out a tallis
and yalmulka.
EXT. ROOF AWNING - CONTINUOUS
A Window opens, and Narrator climbs out onto the shingles of
the roof. He is wearing the tallis and yalmulka, has a bottle
of kosher wine in one hand and something yellow in the other.
Sitting down, he takes a swig of the wine and looks out into
the night. After a pause, there is the crinkling of a wrapper
and then, slowly he raises a large Bacon Double Cheeseburger
up to his mouth. On the bite:
CUT TO BLACK.
THE END
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Script created with Final Draft by Final Draft, Inc.