The Case for M. Caelius Rufus

or The Merry Widow

composed and performed on 4 April in 56 BC by

M. Cicero, Cos. 63 BC newly returned from exile. 

Dramatis personae

M. Caelius Rufus          senex,  Father to Caelius Rufus

 M. Caelius Rufus        adulescens, son of Caelius Rufus

Clodia                          meretrix, Widow of  Q. Metellus Celer

P. Clodius Pulcher      Tribunus plebis 58 BC, Brother to Clodia

L. Sempronius Atratinus        adulescens, the prosecutor

[L. Calpurnius Bestia             Father of the above]

P. Licinius                      adulescens, Friend to Caelius

Appius Claudius Caecus   senex and censor

L. Sergius Catilina        A revolting revolutionary of 63 BC

Dion                                 A philosopher of Alexandria

Ptolemy                            A King (and father of a more famous  daughter.)   

M. Crassus                        Friend of Caesar  and Pompeius from the consulship of Metellus Celer

[lex Plautia de vi                   The Plautian law on violence]

Assorted adulescentes, slaves, and shady nobiles.

Scaena:  forum Romanum, Senian Baths, villas at Baiae and fashionable houses and gardens in Rome.

The Accomplishments of Clodia

1.  Was overly fond of her younger brother when he was a boy.

2.   Was wife of Q. Metellus Celer, cos. 60 BC, who died under mysterious circumstances.

3.    Seduced Caelius Rufus and assorted other adulescentes.

4.    Staged wild parties at Baiae, at Rome and in her gardens along the Tiber.

5.    Developed an obsessive hatred for Cicero.

6.    Became enraged when Caelius dumped her.

7.    With her brother persuaded the adulescens Atratinus to prosecute Caelius for attempting to poison her with drugs purchased with gold borrowed from her,  and for the murder of Dion, riots in Neoplois, assault in Puteoli and damaging the property of Palla.

8.    Shamelessly has taken on the persona of meretrix.

The Accomplishments of Clodius Pulcher

1.  Was overly fond of his older sister when he was a boy.

2.   Is still quite fond of her.

3.    Was elected tribunus plebis to move the law which forced Cicero into exile.

4.    Tore down Cicero's Roman house and made life miserable for Cicero's family while Cicero was in exile.

5.    Became enraged when Caelius dumped his sister.

6.    With his sister persuaded the adulescens Atratinus to prosecute Caelius for attempting to poison her with drugs purchased with gold borrowed from her,  and for the murder of Dion, riots in Neoplois, assault in Puteoli and damaging the property of Palla.