|
Tuesday 20 [August 1805]
Last evening I kneeled down before God in
secret and earnestly plead with God for my witness of his
love to be brightened. It was asked, "Do you believe that I
am able to do this" & I said Yea Lord, Thou hast all power
[cf.
Mt 9.28].
But I could not believe for a present answer. I was wanting
in the vinture [venture] of faith at that instant. Yet I believed God would
accomplish his work, but it seemed it must not be then, but
God said now in His time. What was lacking then was
in me. I believe that God is willing to save me now,
but the thing is to believe he does save me now.
This is the direct act of faith which brings an immediate
answer to prayer. I have frequently found myself wanting in
this venture of faith, yet this I believe to be the faith of
the Gospel. — Nevertheless I believe that the prayer of the
faithful is always answered. I ask the Lord for a
blessing. Now perhaps what I call a blessing at this time
the Lord does not. Therefore he gives me one in disguise. I
am cut to the heart by the powerful application of some
truth. I am humbled under a deep sense of my unworthyness. This
makes me loath myself and long for a still deeper self
abasement. Whenever God sees needful he shines upon my Soul.
I am comforted above measure with a sense of his goodness. I
feel at the same time, it is wholly of grace which makes me
thankful to God for his unspeakable gift. Now if my heart is
wholly given up to God and I have that measure of faith
which brings peace to my soul, and that peace is heightened
from a sense of sanctifying Love, let me ask what I will it
shall be granted because I ask agreeable to this the will of
God. I ask resignedly, and in faith. This then is the model
of my prayer. "Lord if my heart desires anything that Thou
in Thy Wisdom seest would be hurtful to me, that
withhold; if Thou seest any thing which I need and am
insensible of it myself that give, and thus may I always be
supplied from Thee who art the fountain of Wisdom &
goodness." This prayer presupposes that my heart is scripturally
resigned to the Will of God. This then is my faith; I
believe it will always be answered for the sake of Jesus
Christ. Praised be God that he ever taught me the mystery of
faith in the Son of God. This is the life of my soul. The
Joy of my heart.
Thank God I feel my prayer answering
[being answered]. It is
answered — Jesus has come into my room since I have been
writing. His love disperses the gloom and makes all within
me rejoice. Yesterday as I was riding along the road such a
sense of the Majesty of God rested upon my mind that I felt
all that "Solemn awe that dares not move and all that silent
heaven of love.["] Truly it may be said that he is Glorious in
is in holiness, Terable [Terrible] in power. For some time I seemed
wholly taken up in contemplating upon his power as I had a
fair prospect continually before me. It is good to be
absent from the body and to be present with the Lord [2
Cor 5.8]. For
awhile last evening the scene seemed changed, a kind of inward
shrinking seized upon me, a fear least the Lord was angry
with me. I now feel, thank God, that he is love to my soul.
O that I may be kept pure from the great transgression [Ps
19.13].
In the evening. I have just been preaching and such a time
of rejoicing I have not had for a long time. Before I began
I wrestled with the Lord in secret with all my might for his
blessing and it came like a flood upon my own soul and the
souls of his people. Glory and honor be unto God forever for
his unspeakable mercy and loving kindness. Such sweet
intercourse with Jesus is truly delightful. My tent was Ps.
16.11 [Ps
16.11] and surly that fullness of Joy thou mentioned my soul
felt and feels stil [still]. O Lord keep me evermore through Jesus
Christ my Lord. Amen. Nathan Bangs.
I felt such a spirit of prayer the last evening as I have
not felt for some time. Such arguments were handed to me
that I could not but believe the Lord would answer my
request and according to my faith it was done unto me.
|